The past two weeks have been a relief from work for me. I am taking the time off to fast and seek God yet again. Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, financelessness assaulting me all over again, especially in the first week of fasting.
Yet with the turn of the second week, I felt hope rising, stirring, in my sleep on Monday morning. A sentiment I hadn't experienced before in slumber. Brings to mind lyrics from Paul Baloche's Hosanna.
This thing about hope. A fragile feeling that can easily come and go, when the light at the end of the tunnel is not in sight, eluding, even excruciating in the extended times of waiting upon the Lord for His promises to come to pass. Fragile feeling? Or discouragement?
Proverbs 13:12 says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing [desire; NASB, ESV] fulfilled is a tree of life." (NIV)
"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy." (NLT)
Or as the Message puts it in updated lingo, "Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick, but a sudden good break can turn life around."
Whichever version speaks strongly to you; we all desire our longings to be fulfilled, to have our dreams come true, for that sudden good break that will turn our life around and have us soaring on eagles' wings with the Lord, as a sign of the end of a period of waiting on the Lord.
I've learnt to manage my expectations, in this season of waiting, of discovering my destiny. What with several of my dreams remaining an enigma, elusive, others seemingly crushed, the past week has been a welcoming balance - the expectancy that something is stirring, yet the wisdom to know that it will come in God's perfect timing and hence the unhurried but watchful stance.
It was in this posture that the Lord taught me an important lesson. That of training and endurance. If there was one word to describe my week, it would be TRAINING.
And it was serious training at that! I spent over two hours at the gym on Tuesday afternoon, being supervised and trained by the only personal trainer I would probably ever have (or afford, since FOC!) - my very own bro, back from school in London for his annual three-month break.
It was a gruelling session with loads of information to absorb as my bro easily offered them; breathing principles like breathe out upon exertion (but there are exceptions), breathe aloud and hard (for someone like me who doesn't breathe/enough when i exercise/sing), workout postures, and the likes. There's a whole lot more on muscle groups, usual workout routines, goal of the workout session, etc, that I won't bore you with. But I found myself saying, "Cannot, I cannot do it." A LOT! No wonder people say that the true self emerges during games and sports/competitions!
And it was really tough, even with the minimal weights on some and heavier than usual ones on others where my bro was really pushing me, to check that my posture was right, my focus was on that particular muscle that I was working on, I was inhaling and exhaling properly and regularly, AND counting the reps that i was doing all at the same time! And this not being the first time doing weights training; I had developed a habit of going to the gym since college days because of volleyball training and maniac friends who ran 10km every other day, plus ACJC has such splendid gym facilities! This carried on when I started work in Ministry of Law and had free use of the gym at Treasury building on Hill Street.
As I was saying, I was conscientious initially, trying to take in everything and do it properly, but halfway through, my bro knew I was losing it and merely doing it because he was asking me to. Free-weights training brought a bit of joy back to the whole process because the weights were more manageable for me. But when we were cooling down with crunches and leg raises, that was it - I just stopped trying, almost to the point of an intention to silence my bro with one eyes-enlarging, killer look.
It was at this point, as I sulked and quietened down, while my bro continued his rigorous regime of crunches and leg/body raises, that God opened my eyes to my low level of endurance and perseverance to work at something and see it through. Certainly brings to life and application Paul's famous analogy on beating one's body to win the prize for Jesus.
A disconcerting afternoon and a sombre realisation at the end of it. Also the first signs of maturity in my relationship with my bro, as I walk and see past the adoration and hero worship of him, to a deeper understanding and knowing of him, and to working out differences through the willingness to see each other's perspectives.
 | Hey, which gym do you go to? |
 | adeang wrote on Aug 7, '06, edited on Aug 7, '06  I've seen this i've seen this!!! muahahahhahah..  errr.. okay.. i'm embarrassed.. ha ha..
oh, i didn't kill you with it? ;P |
 | Hey Ade,
Thanks for sharing. You and me, perhaps our journeys are not that difference... albeit different circumstances, but something about dreams shattered, or being on hold...
Whatever it is, I was reminded by the pastor I heard this week that "When dreams are broken, God has something better". The reminder that GOD is in control WITH A PLAN encouraged me -- even if I didn't know what the plan was, but like you said, wait for God's timing in "UNHURRIED STANCE" (I like that!).
Ade wrote:
"I've learnt to manage my expectations, in this season of waiting, of discovering my destiny. What with several of my dreams remaining an enigma, elusive, others seemingly crushed, the past week has been a welcoming balance - the expectancy that something is stirring, yet the wisdom to know that it will come in God's perfect timing and hence the unhurried but watchful stance."
|
Comment deleted at the request of the author.
| Wow, thanks for sharing, belle :) Indeed, God has something better in mind. It took me a long time to let go of broken dreams. But with that long time of tussling, I can say I've moved one step forward in yielding to God's mysterious yet wonderful ways. So AMEN and HALLELUJAH for these trying periods!! |
| I was at the basic life seminar this year, and I don't know if you remember this adder, but the speaker said that God is the one who birthed our dreams. But with every dream He gives, the dream must sometimes die first before it can be resurrected. Quoting a true life Bible character - Joseph. How ironic that he was interpreting dreams when the vision he had from God had been so cruelly crushed when he was sold to Egypt AND thrown into jail at that. But God was faithful and his dream was eventually fulfilled. I bet he never expected to go through such a big walk in the "wilderness" before it was fulfilled, yeah? Most of us expect that when God said so, it will simply come to pass just like that *snap fingers*. |
| |
